:)

somehow i still just want the
world to know
that we figured things out
and that i won
the tickle war.

the cycle (desire, consumption, awareness, guilt)

well i've wanted this.
oh yes, it's written just
inside my heart and brain..
in my chemicals and genetics
i'm crafted to find you.
to want you.

the complexity of it
all just eats at my brain
and the fear of it all
just tears at my fragile
soul.

the feebleness, the fatigue--
what is this that i have
become? i'm giving up
piece by pieces.

i've been driving a
toyota for quite
a while now. and it
just won't let me
stop.

i've lived in darkness
for quite a while now..
and i don't know if i'll make it out.

i can't make out the light
anymore. or what it was like before.
i can't stop.
i can't stop.
i have told myself i won't stop.
and that is my fatal downfall.

but there you are. (and i have yet to stop myself)

d fiction/future

i can't tell you how i knew
or how my brain listened
to the echoes of tomorrow.

the bell jar in which i found
me, can-to-can through wire
i can't help but hear their voices.

i can't tell you how i knew
those faces weren't my past
this tree is not yet that table.

in san antone, lost my head,
shaking hands shaking dread
i cannot hold the dial still.

oh cruel, cruel, my tormentor!
you let me wander long
will never know how to explain.

whispers, tremors, to be read
on your precious richter
earth splits. waters rise. close my eyes

noble tasks, you serve me well
collect the cosmic dust
show me cold hard facts: oh the lies!

stains on the window can't prove
murder. but stains on brain
can't ever mean "nothing at all".

i do not predict their deaths.

oversleeping and overthinking

i'm wondering where i fit in
the hedgehog dilemma,
if freud even knew what the
hell he was talking about. i'm
asking why i just used "hell"
and if i'm following something
that isn't a clear shining glass
of transparency. i'd like to say
i'm just like you only prettier,
but every now and then (i
get a little bit lonely) i delete
photos from my camera after
a grimace at the face i can pick
away chip by chip. i never
thought myself one to stumble
or hold back my hair as i lean
in... i'm just wondering where i
fit in with this hedgehog dilemma
and if this clouded mirror will
ever clear up.

ten ten ten

loving or loving and loving
painting and fixing after the
audience is long gone
brisk breeze and faint lights.
connected connection wishing
nix the arkansas and run
to my arms. loving or loving
beyond bluefish numbers
speechless monster who would
dance in the dark. oh hell, ahab
followed me here, and the
no-elastic skin just won't do
for today. am i allowed my dreams?
i toe the line and hope i keep
my thoughts in line. but i simply
allow those dreams. because loving
and loving, or maybe just loving
is all i could want to fill my head.
i see other eyes and i hope you
don't see them where you are.
they asked me questions that i
didn't know deserved answers.
because my loving or loving
and loving was only ever sincere
and the burnt picture proved a
darker fear,, but you haven't
seen the enferno of photography
or known of the underworld of
broken, desperate hearts. (don't
send me to that world.) all i can
do now is rearrange my hair and
hope i don't look bad when that
day comes.

a forgotten prophecy from the mouth
of a sopho fool, you are what you are to me.

nomad, not mad

Gentle humming

Of a gentle breeze

Brings me back down

Well-worn knees

Gentle humming

Of an oiled machine

Clears my head now

Blackberry teas

Gentle humming

Of your best tune

Blooming into my ear

Holding you soon

Gentle humming

The ancient sky

Watches it’s tears

And a well-told lie

Gentle humming

I can try, I can try, I can try

To fly, to sigh, goodbye

a non-poem conglomeration of thoughts

1. in less than twenty four hours i will be tackling my baby sister and harassing her about boys.
2. i can't count on one hand the people i know who are engaged. seriously--they've popped out of nowhere.
3. i have an essay due in about nine hours. i haven't really started. (that's a bit more than a minor problem.)
4. i really don't want to do said essay. but i also really don't want to deal with the consequences.
5. i am under the spell of a melody, it's an epidemic in the key of d
6. i wish i was going home instead of mississippi. well, that's not completely true--i wish patrick was magically going to be in mississippi, then thanksgiving would be absolutely perfect.
7. i'm running out of money. and soap. (not good)
8. all i want to do is curl up in my bed and watch hugh laurie awkwardly act in sense and sensibility.. but i have to write an essay...
9. i just want to be with patrick again.
and
10. i love patrick david foss

something like living in the moment

i've been living in the evidence

for quite a while now. it stings

my eyes with its smoky reassurance,

i just can't prove that my lungs

still oscillate around my sternum

or that my liver still sifts my blood

like sand, leaving chaf for the

winds of time that sweep us

through our all-too-brief lives

that are all-too-important to let

us take risks.

all i wanted was to ink out my

existence, no, to ink my existence

into my skin, just maybe the

evidence will prove i exist. i'm

still here. my brain pounds against

my skull but all i feel is the space

between my fingers and the

wondering that oozes through

my body, on a quest to prove i'm

no longer alive. i can sit more still

than you. so still, you'll forget

you'll forget the warm hand that

touched your face that day and

flicked away your tears.

my fingernails will keep on growing

without me and maybe i'll never

be the same. the way i once was

when the happiness was a disease

in my body, tiny virus, creeping

the corridors of my insides.

how about we bring back the

summer sun from its untimely

death and revive the winter moon

that sings us to sleep under a

flannel sky of tic-tac stars. i don't

remember the silly/beautiful words

my brain once fostered--the stillness

begs questions and tosses fear in

front of my feet like an invitation

to a tea party. won't you come and fear

for your life with us? no it's not that i

fear--open my brain and tell me if

there's anything in there at all--

it's the evidence that proves the

existence.

lay me down on a bed of roses

the love
i__i__o_t__i have
for you
w__n__r_i_to hear
will not
a___m__r_n_for(-)sake(,)
be gone
n____y__e_g__of sanity
when i
t___a_f_i__seeing that
see you
y__r__l_n_go crazy
in thirty
o___m_e_m_nonsense
four days.
u____s_c_y_
___________i

happiness in a parking lot

once, when i was little

i made a list of everything i

wanted him to be. i dreamed

up the most perfect creature

my little brain could

comprehend.

once, when i was a young girl

i was deathly afraid of dancing

i just wanted to be asked for once--

stupid preteens, so mean, so cold--

it was all i could do to look

that boy in the eye.

once, when i was becoming a woman

i let myself go blind, now i still

don't quite understand how

my grasping hand just couldn't let

him go. a virus in my mind, he

took from me a piece of

silence.

once, when i was sure the rain stuck

to the soles of my shoes, another

offered me a sweater, at last, and

a shy and blushing sonnet with

which to comb my tangled hair.


it is surely the winter that allows appreciation
of what is good. it is surely time and an almighty
that allows a grasping hand to find what it needs.

you are surely what i needed. 

washwish wanderheart

(In response to "Eveline," a chapter of James Joyce's Dubliners, in the format of Gerard Manley Hopkins' "Spring and Fall")

Eveline are you grieving?
Over adventure's leaps at leaving?
Daddy's abuse was just enough, to
be too much, but not enough to
push you over the edge of abandon
your doubts line up in mortal tandem.
there, there, little girl, don't ever dream
of leaving home, of ripping a seam
of saying exactly what you mean.
washwish your wanderheart into its cage
you and your mother, same at that age
what fear sprouted, hearthope could not subdue
deer, in stockstill silence, wasting seconds few.
you'll return to your dear drunken dad,
this day will forever leave your spent heart sad.

it goes like this

she found herself falling
in and out of a world that
couldn't get enough of her
but couldn't get rid of her
fast enough. like a candle,
she burned for truth and
love she could call sacred,
but that boy was a child
with a single desire burning
up his brain. and what did
she know? as a girl sitting
on the floor, playing with
her toys, mom and dad
had explained the world
with a logic and a reason
that didn't leave any room
for love, and why should it?
"you live, you procreate, you die.
and love has no place among
our purposeful world. your
purpose does not allow for
love--don't ever fall in love
my dear, or you'll become
a slave." defiant as ever, she
searched for love, to prove
her senseless parents wrong--
but in all their teaching they
never told her how her father's
logic still locked the doors
at night and brought her
mother a steaming bowl of
soup when a scratchy throat
just wouldn't leave her alone.
so she imagined that love was
in her body, waiting to be let
out. this boy could let it out,
couldn't he? of course he could.
we'd love, she thought, and
then a golden band will lead
me into my life. the logical
life that has room for love.
i've proved them wrong. but
the boy didn't know how to
make soup or hold her hand
when the movie was just too
scary. to him, her body was
a playground and she quickly
became disillusioned.. love
doesn't exist. they're all the
same. and like a fallen angel,
she picked up the broken pieces
of her broken heart and trudged
into the darkness of a life
that has no room for love.

i never was this girl, but i
thought i might become her,
when i saw the emptiness of
that other boy's eyes. but your
heart soaked up mine in a
single instant, that day the sun
wasn't quite as warm as we
were sure it used to be. well
you have my heart, it's right
there next to yours, beating
in perfect time. i have plenty
to learn about the intricacies
of love, but a wise man (who
strangely resembles me, and
always loved my mother as if
she were a precious gem) once
told me that love can only be
seen in the how and what a
person does. love is, after all
the blinding light and racing
blood pressure, a verb in its
truest sense. you may follow
your feelings from time to time
but above all, you choose who
you love. i've chosen to love
a boy who knows how to make
soup and tenderly puts a
bandaid on the broken skin of
my pitiful little finger. if only
she knew that they aren't all
the same, it wouldn't always
go like this.

doesn't erase

i hate what i've said.
but you can't draw into
yourself the words
you've already released.

and from your lips she drew a hallelujah (egregious plagiarism)

oil spots on the (maybe there's a god
above-- but what did we ever learn
from love...?) face of heaven,
seven spaces for seven faces--
once there was a way... to get back home.

i'm running out of words to
describe the way our hands
fit together and the how of under
an umbrella of stars we nod our
heads into a lulling sleep.
(i don't mean to say that i slept
with you because, well, I didn't)
but someone tied bricks to my
eyelids and the gentle hum
of the air coming out of your
lungs filled my world
and clouded my ever cloudy
senses. (now, don't think i was
drunk or anything because, well
I wasn't. I never was) but
i'd give anything to start this
dream where it left off--
i'd give (now, don't think i was
dreaming of you because, wait...
I was...) ask me for a pack of dreams
like you'd ask for those bicycle
kings and queens--i'll wrap them
up and send them to you. or you
could collect them from my
anxious fist. every character
eerily... you? (now don't go thinking
i'm a creeper... well, just don't okay?!)
it's always here we are walking past the
swings, and there we are kissing
on a bridge.. why aren't there
any bridges here? (i can't see them)
(it's a cold and it's a broken--
mandolin of sorts that whines our
shaky love) i won't open my eyes
for fear the world still turns without
you. (for fear my world still turns
without you) tell me you're sorry,
no, don't do that. i'll dig the hole and
step into it, handing you the shovel,
crouching in the mud. i've already
dug the hole in the ground where
my body will rest. cheeky girl,
you'll say, pulling me back into
your world. (i'm sorry) or maybe i'll
give and take away, like i've done
for months now. maybe i just
crave the power... the power to
deprive. (take away my power.
just rip it from my selfish hand...)
(if i did it here's how) if i had multiple
personalities, one of their names would
be bitch.

you can say it's not true, but you've
known in your heart of hearts what
i've been all along. Could you bear
to stoop yourself to my level?
sometimes i wonder if i'm lost.
and then i ask when these thoughts
started sinking in, poisoning our
perfect fairytale--what have i said?
what am i saying?! i've poisoned
our fairy tale.


(this is the most ridiculous thing i've ever written.
just disregard.)

pleading with the moon

when days become difficult to fill---

with this and that and those

and these...

i've been known to prescribe

myself with a veritable disease.

can i hold your hand,

even when you go to sleep?

late late into the night

i wash my hands of the

outside world. i push

away their expectations

and remember what the

face of the earth was like

before the sun topped over

the spindly trees.. your

heart beating against my

cheek as we were pleading

with the moon.. oh please

stay where you are. and

lets just stay up late

watching the stars.

i'll run out of words one

of these days. perhaps

today is the day, i've run

out of words.

i will love you.

is empty

all grey in my eyes

and between my ears

and in front of my hand.

i can't remember those

days, the old drug. what

was it? its gone now and

i am still here in a

monotonous grey world.

i'm a glass of water, only

you've already drank

up the water, and here

i sit, i'm a glass of water.

i could have been your

swimming pool, only the

drought came faster and

the water's all gone.

maybe i'm your swimming

pool. i thought i'd be your

saving grace, though the

saving's all been done before--

am i your grace? all thats

left in this shell? i could

possibly be a small legume

find me in the forest and

remember what i was.. back

then. when i came and saw

and yelled and went under

the world in sheets of rain.

hiding loss and hiding pain.

was i under the world so

softly again, so that i wouldn't

hear the cries of you. you who

are me, just like me. we'll stay

alive only by default, maybe,

but default couldn't save us

baby. would you let me

be your empty glass? we can

say what i am, if you'll say it

fast. oh please, let me be your

empty glass. i don't think i

could tell them.. i don't think

they'd want to see. that i've

been empty for longer than

you could've known, that i'm

not what they want me to be.

the space between my fingers

in the palm of your hand

rests my heart--a bit

battered and bruised from

a time before.. but there

it rests, in your capable

hand.

it's intoxicating.. the steady breathing,

the up and down of your chest as we

lie (i've never lied) here under a canopy

of hiding stars. i can't remember a time--

before-- when i felt so complete, so completely

content. your arm felt nice wrapped round

my shoulder as you teach me slowly

what the music should have meant.

it's the light behind your eye and the whistle

in your voice that brings me, entranced,

hungry. but this wasn't what i meant

to say, not now, as i breathe you in--

every drop of you. we see the world in

gasps or we feel the world in those feather-

light caresses that chill my spine and stir

my soul, almost nonsensically (i bet others

don't feel that way) and i can't stop i can't stop

i can't stop falling in love with you. learning

over again, what it's like to rest my head on

your chest---i'll be driven insane just in

remembering the way the moonlight fell upon

us that night.

trust

shortbread on my tongue. its the inconsequential

details that tell the story as my throat goes dry.

or maybe the agony that surges like an electrical

storm that rips up the gasp that found it's way out

of me. your voice in my ear, my back bent back

our boundaries--forgotten, remembered, denied.

and in those intances i need you as you fill my heart

and speak to my soul. (do you love me?) i specialize in

answers as i calculate your words. your love and your

words. and my trust holds us together when all we have

are words. i look to a future--limitless and bright--and

i see your face in my trusting hands. and i pray to god

that we find a way out. will we find a way? (i don't know

a world without you dear) take my hand and tell me

you have found a way. i've always trusted you

desert eyes in a thunderstorm

i do not know what it is inside me that leeches

my pity, empathy. as i watch you curl disintegratingly

into yourself. your crescent moon self isn't

who you used to be. and my inverted tears don't

do you justice. i gather up reasons for apathy

and hold them out life a fanned deck of

bicycle cards. turning the wheels of your rising

and falling chest. you suffer through, dangling

above a void of unknown untold... they use your

body like a research rat. yet i have no tears for

you. a sliver of glass rests in the corner of my eye

but your face is erased from memory. how could

i say that a person deserves... agony? far from mute,

though it is i who cannot say what it is about myself

that keeps me from bothering to glance back behind

my retreating shoulder

i pass on

there wasn't ever a window
that blurred my vision or
told me stories of the world
that were not true. there
wasn't ever a ceiling that
boasted its stick-on plastic
stars were brighter than
the milky way. there wasn't
ever a story that gripped my
heart so firmly in its grasp
than you and i.
there may (may there) never
be a time when your back
recedes into a misty distance
when a slow dull rain descends
upon me like a broken wing.
(will there be a time?)

i may well never learn
to unlove my heart from
this knot it's fused itself
to. i may well never move
your hand away from the
infinite gossamer strings that
move my soul into being.
if you play the music, the
air will sing, and if i can no
longer breathe i won't ask
you to stop--the way the
grass moves tells all that could
be said. if you let me pass on, i
will never find exactly what i'm
looking for

only two thoughts tumble through my head

1. I thank God every day
and ask him what I've done
for things to have turned out this way
he blesses me a ton.
people like you don't grow on trees
if that were so, i'd be aghast
and i'd praise the lord from on my knees
he gave me a boy who is bad ass.
(lolocaust)

2. the cries to heaven on this early morning
rip and sear through the dewy air
its to you, my song, i'm clearly singing
but i wonder if its entirely fair.
i pray for them when i think they're hurt
and i ask for help when i feel lost
this process, i feel i should revert
that you will hear me, my fingers crossed.

meh

when i don't have words
i can't give you what my
brain is doing, these days--
as it sits on my shoulders...
i don't really know what it
is doing these days. where is
my mind? it's busy writing
you love poems.. because
no thing could make me forget
or divert my attention--you
fill my empty head.

myhandinyourhand

my dear, my dearest dear can you hear
and do you fear--count the stars and
place the brightest one inside your pocket.
fuel my tears and stay the distance--stay.
we grow strong with the coming days
absence, not absinthe, makes the heart
grow fonder--my heart grows fonder--
i do admit. your voice sweeter and sweeter,
a soft violin that whispers in my ear.
my dear, my dearest dear can you hear?
i covet the days i will come back to you--
will you sing my name? and spin me around
and ask me where i've been? (where have
i been?) will you kiss my cheek like
those days we subjected ourselves to
the cinematography of wanda and
her fishes; little fishes, dirty wanda.
(little wanda, dirty fishes?) will you?
will you? (my letter might be too much--
i fear your voice) i suppose i'm a dirty
person.. for hoping things will be
the way they were. i suppose i ask too
much.. when i ask you where we're
going. (do i ask too much?) i suppose i'll
love you then.. limitless then--you have
overcome your expiration date.
you'll be with me like a handprint on
my heart--you are inscribed on my heart.
i gave you my heart--and there is your name
in bold script scrawled across the surface.
because i knew you.
i know there is one thing i will never learn
i have been changed.
i hope there is one thing you will never learn
for good.

being ridiculous; a pastime

if only they'd spiked the green tea
i wouldn't be just sitting here
up to my ears in misery
waiting for the apex of fear.
i might be having a good time
i wouldn't be reading Hopkins
why won't you just explain the rhyme
well, nothing else rhymes with hopkins.

if only they'd spiked the green tea..
or sold me two nutella jars
though my chocolate would console me
i'd rather waste time chasing cars.
if those b*****ds had spiked my tea
i would not have murdered mozart
cause it wouldn't matter to me
that the movie sucked--i hate art.

gerard manley hopkins can die.

unconventional accidental sonnet 2

you fill more minutes, hours than i'd tell

but even so, you know my heart so well

so well, swelling ocean, river tides

you know my heart better than i

and when you tell of my disease--

you explain the symptoms with such ease

and to whom this sickness might belong?

is it mine, or ours all along?

with this silence, my fears turn inside

my chest, less and less they hide

i become uneasy when i can't hear

or see your face my beautiful dear

and i wonder if you remember my

name like i hear yours within a sigh

careful and soft--i'll mail you my heart

i'll hope and pray we don't fall apart.

loophole (you knew it was coming)

this lesson in self restraint
(self inflicted torture)
might teach us to love better
than we could have taught
ourselves. perhaps? absence
makes the heart grow
fonder? i can only hope
(and wish and dream and pray...)
but i can't only hope--i can
plan and write and cross
my fingers that absence won't
let us forget the little wooden
bridge under the silent sky...
the secret park that broke
our barriers into little pieces.
so i hold you in my heart--
and hope (the audacity of----)
(and wish and dream and pray)
that that will be enough.


here in my heart, you are enough

...

it takes much more than hopes/dreams--a stronger force

to keep the world spinning on her ancient axis.. to keep

the ocean moving with the gales of summertime.

it takes much more than hope/dreams to remember the

day we held each others tears and fears in the palms of our

hands as if time couldn't ever let us forget. will it let us forget?

...

the most welcome fail

There isn't a place to tell the world the things i saw last night.
(i leaned in and saw straight into your soul)
there couldn't ever be a place to tell people and people and
people how you told me you wouldn't leave. you wouldn't ever
leave. or would you? you sounded so sure, but at the same time,
a little scared. you were scared. you said you were looking to the
future--med school, life, and the rest of the world. i wondered
how and why i wasn't included with the rest of the world..
(i wasn't the rest of your world? you've been the rest of my
world...?) i felt the tears, kamikaze away from my eyes,
i bled inside my heart of hearts (you know how and what you did)
but maybe there's a little bit more than what we thought there
was.. like waking from a dream--drop me to the floor to bring
me back to reality (check my pockets, is my totem there?
i can't be dreaming) suspension reminds us that gravity
remains supreme, we let each other go to remember
what it was like before. (what was it like before...?)
well i'll never learn to unlove you--I could never
pull it off. from the creaking chairs to the wilted couch
cushions-- i could never learn to unlove you. we would
sit and talk for hours (what is time and obligation to
our world?) about everything and nothing.. what is
it that we would say? the passersby could never tell--
they wouldn't tell our secrets, would they? We'd be full
of silly and crazy times. but you were serious when i
needed you. you took my hand, though you were so far
away. even in the beginning you pushed away my demons,
one by one. and now, as we run miles in the
opposite direction you watch me tell my story silently--
through the metered rhymes and free verse
free free free verse, i crave the freedom of a freer verse
that doesn't have a leash. you watched me spill the
beans//about all the problems i had seen. you tried to
stay quiet, but finally the words were just too much
(were they too much?)

maybe people think we're crazy, or just stupid kids.
Maybe they'll think we don't have any self control
(they make up stories, those old people, they).
But with every breath of doubt (they breathe their
doubt on me in puffy black clouds of emphysema) i catch
a glimpse of a brighter day. I smell the whiff of a happier
place and time, when we don't have to worry what the next
year brings (what on earth could it bring)a time when our
trust will blossom past the spring buds that fall off the sweet gum
i could never learn to unlove you--i don't think, ever.
I may not have a crystal ball, or a pack of tarot cards--
do they come in a pack at all?--but i know what i see when
i see your face, hear your laugh, sense your smile. i know
that we will never learn to unlove.

So many times we've looked up at the stars--
we'll get away from these city lights one of these days.

if you love me

won't you let me know?

if you love me

never let me go.

the discovery

i was found today,
between a rock and a hard place.
you hear me, even in my silence.
i was found today,
you won't ever let me go back
to the way i was.
you know me to the core of my soul
to the edges of my brain--
you know the number of my days,
the lying down and getting up.
you've known from the day i
was born, what my life would be.
you've known all along who would
influence me, and who i would reach.
you've known who would love me
who would hate me, and who i'd
passionately love. you brought
me to you before i could read,
and as i child, you took my hand.
i was found that day--the day you
whispered in my ear, "you are dearly
loved." i can't begin do understand you
but i know you hear me cry out
in anger, desperation, joy, complacency.
you hear me when my voice is silenced
and when i can't be still.
through the stars and the lamplit
streets you show me who you are.

my agenda

I've wanted many things in life
I want fame and fortune and
maybe just to be somebody's wife.
I want to be that girl that can land
the job that nobody thought she could
i'll compose the songs and lyrics for
a work that promotes the greater good.
i'll heal the sick and feed the poor
i'll light a candle that starts a riot,
i'll yell my views and preach my words
but maybe all i'll want is quiet.
i'll hang with rockers, astronauts, nerds,
by osmosis i'll be something insane
trying the sh rooms, and testing the p ot
i'll build planes and cars and boats and trains
i'll plant pansies and forget-me-nots
in a garden i'll plant the prettiest flowers
they tell my stories, they'll whisper my poems
but only one's i've worked on for hours
people will beg and beg me to show 'em
but i'll just refuse and turn them away.
i'll tell them i just can't bear to reveal--
i've planned and planned all my days,
but never let my empty heart heal.
They won't take that answer--surely i lie
an empty heart could not beat in her chest
and over the fencepost they'll cast an eye
to see a few wilting buds and a lot full of dust.


(that sucked--i prefer free verse)

to my stalker...

like a bird--it can't stay in the sky forever..
sometimes it just has to come home.

arcite or palamon--who was wiser? take
back your wisdom, it lead me astray..
it took me away it took me away.

i would walk five hundred miles
i couldn't stay away--i couldnt be alone
even hermits talk to God.

believe me, he knows what he's doing.

just another sob story

the door slams--you're already gone
running down the street, without
a backward glance. here i stand, the tears,
i'm still inside this burning house.
i'm left inside this burning house. (Dig
deep into my world, my mind, what i hate
is only because i fear it. i fear what
could. become. my. world.) I
(just) fight the tension and the terrors--theyre
(gonna) pull me apart. How could I
(stand) it all without you by my side--always
(there?) I can't remember who i am
(and) what I thought i would be. I just
(watch) who I'm becoming. I dont recognize
(me). put me in the fire--would i go ahead and
(burn?) like a paper crane on your shoulder---
it's not alright with me. i hope it's not alright with me.

(I was your song... You were my... You were my..
you were my you were myyyy...

you were mine.)

it's not the nicotine that kills--it's the smoke. the smoke. the housefire. the running. the distance. the slow and steady burn.
when i find myself--there's only me.

the end is definite

i kept the secret by letting out the words

that i had pulled from the edges of my heart.

i told the story without naming the characters

or describing the how the weather was that day.

i told the truth and lied to their faces--

maybe they'll hate me.

pat me on the head and tell me i'm making the

better choices, maybe that will help.

but i can't stop crossing my fingers that time

will forget its meanderings and just sprint for-

ward. (i know i will regret that someday.)

but i also forget that home is no longer home

and the way and how of my life is no

longer attached to my heart. i put on the band

aid only to rip it off-- i never want this scar to heal.

i fear if it heals i will forget the times that were

filled with water droplets and agony--the effect

of a perfect beautiful love.

i pray. that i won't miss you. and i die each time.

tears/fears/and the inevitable

no other creature
for miles.
no one in my vision
no one would miss me
were i to take a leap
and test gravity
to feel air beneath my
arms, flying may not
be my destination.
you could not miss me
if i was a current in
your swimming pool
begging you to remember
what we had.
close the door,
lock the bolt and push
me away like a distant
painful memory. i know
the truth that i can't tell.
i tell myself those silver
lies, just to make it through
the day. i cover my ears,
begin to hum, just to deal
with the glass window
that broke accross my
heart. living breathing
existing as one. it can't
ever be like it was. never
like, it was. it was my world.

my world is but a vague
instinct that is all but
forgotten.

i miss you too much.

i feed myself the little hope i
have like its an endless supply
of the sweetest treats. i give
myself a little bit of hope where
i know there should be none.
i hope and dream and remember
you.

but i know that the you i
remember
can never exist again.
but i know that the we i
remember
will never exist again.

curling up on the sidewalk--
there's no use.
we didnt get here by squandering
other people's money or by
being useless...
here we are, without a home, because
we gave ourselves hope that
we didn't deserve. i have no home.
my heart has no home.

homelessness was never a welcome place
for one so tall and strong. but here
we sit, like we never thought we'd
end up here. shadows and inklings
plague our paranoia our guilt ridden
faultering minds. shadows. of. you.

i saw him from accross the caf--
tall and blonde and lanky.
my stomach turned and my heart
fell.
as i saw the face of one i didn't know.
it wasn't you.
and what am i supposed to do
with these broken pieces
of my broken heart?

how am i supposed to tape
this back together? i don't
even have any superglue
(not that that would work anyway)
why oh why
is life so cruel? beautiful and cruel.
He gives and He takes away.
why did you give to take? why

flooded house

i miss you.
we broke our hearts
together.
and like a serial suicide
we took our leave.

what i'm missing

eight tiny pearls to accompany
the papercuts on her fingers

six small papers inked in the tender
heart of a love that lingers

mindworks reach their end as
blank slate overpowers senses.

she can't know what she has lost
for words are unreliable lenses

empty heart follows empty mind
unable to let the lovesicks go

the temps rise and the fevers crash
new worlds bring her to a new low.

won't let go of the treasure in her
balled up fist--it's no time for goodbye.

how could she fall from favor
from heights that were so high

there is a taste of sick, unable to forget
the hurt tongue that can only taste tart

indifference whispers poison in her ear
apathy takes of her broken little heart.

even broken little hearts can be overlooked.

?/pre mortis

marionette barber
crunch crash crystallize.
honor baby honor, respect. some time
hand hands ticking never ticking
back and forth
up and down and inside out
wheels turning paper coming
flower falling fading fourth mvp.
grass buggity bug back backs
dark and light in instance instants.
tongue and mind tongue in cheek
mortis waiting nursing home
for chilluns.
despondency, waiting, sad
goodbye--get lost
come back
kiss kiss dont ever leave
lights lights speed no drug
lies in her mind
already missing you.
lizard love and what is lost.
forever?

leaves of preydator

leaves of thought

thoughts of prey/predator

imagining the beginning the end

and some time for an in between.

if i said "i love you" one more time

could we change our minds?

would a difference be made

the second i felt the lonelies

creeping up my back and into

my unsuspecting heart?

swan dive--up and out over the simple

waves. the choice is crucial--

drill for speculations, live in vulnerability,

carpe diem until our diem can no longer carpe

or

swing in that soft hammock that life offered us.

listen closely to the words spoken in our ears,

examine, place time neatly in our pockets.

collect options like figurines on a shelf

fall fall apart

one to two

if only to travel the

road less travelled

and the beaten, reliable

path. oh life, you simple silly life,

how can i be expected to

get you right?

a sense of self

the cold cold metal and the dried blood.
Helps us forget what we could or would
have been.
the songs that wind their way through the
Ancient speakers sing of times we fight
times we cannot admit to them.
the winding music sinks its teeth into our
aching hearts.
The aching times of which we would not speak.
Dearest debtor, you have not paid your rent.
dearest boy, do you have what I had lent?
Time and time with footsteps in her wake--
nothing but fists held in our hands. Nothing
in our hands. to show. nothing to show.
Quiet lands filled with silent whispers.
Silence, then murmurs of what was had.
The bridges she kept moving back.
The dam she loathed and loved away.
Hands on your face, and tears form rivulets
on your angel skin. The whining music bites at our
ears. It holds a mirror. And challenges us. To see
ourselves.
Could you see yourself?
You writhing, mewling, retch?
and you claim to know the good of life.
You claim to know. you said you knew.
You craft the cancer that steals his breath.
You form the sting with the edge of your lips.
You let the siren song burn through his ears..
and the saintly blood
finds it's way back
to the felted earth.

nothing to say, less to rhyme

so close but even farther away.
so far and never closer.
"baby come back!"

broken broken

I run too far.
I'm left breathless
much farther than i've
been before.

it's a strange yet quiet
isle that is calm
but brooding, underneath.
the current and undertow
that drag and pull and
entice us to play on the
ocean floor. we succumb
we become
gravity
as we drift down down
to the bottom..

farther than we've come
before.

when will the day come?
the day the stopping just
doesn't have to happen.

stopsigns and stoplights
a thing of the distant past
your face in my hands
only my future.

you'll amputate my heart
in the wee hours of
the cruel morning,
you'll tear it right apart.
and the tears will float your
canoe and send you
drifting over the useless
dam. you'll amputate my heart
you'll cut through the armor
and the metal shields

what was given will
be lost. i say goodbye
to my love.
i say goodbye,
but my love my love
carried in your hands,
cannot be lost
when it is locked in my/your
broken broken heart.

reasons to leave/stay

the sounds come to a stop
stop.
the silence pounds.
the stir of your retreating
footsteps
consume my brain
in their awful
red cloud.
this is not enough

clouds drop tears
and the forecast is rain.
the forecast
is lonely.

alone.

absence makes the heart grow fonder
absence makes
for sad hannah.

absence makes for
to tell
the way i lost
my mind.
have i lost my mind?

i can no longer see myself
in a world without you.


see? without you i write trash.
my thoughts scatter on the wind
and down the drain
my thoughts abandon me.
i find no thinking going on in my head.
only hysterics.

for the benefit of no one

craft stories with the blades of grass
lining your feet.

live the summer, feel the breeze and
resist the heat.

sea change

pen to paper
only what hurts.
today this day that's today
its all too good to
handle.

the best of (dis)regards

it's like a book elegantly bound but
in a language
that you can't read

just dying of intoxication
dying on the floor
but in your arms
dying in various locations.

just wanting to remember
trying to stop
trying but not wanting to
trying to understand
the want and the try
the stop.

wanting all
needing none

i'm sorry.

you do nothing but give
my sorries own reasons
and my reasons own shame

i own shame.

it goes by other names
called on the streets, pride and
prejudice, and behind closed doors,
a hunger. i'm sorry.

it can't be explained because
it cannot be understood.
not understood? mostly ignored
and partially accepted. deceptive.
we understand.
but the caring is less than the 3/5ths
that kept you at bay.


in a language that you can't read

too much but not enough

instances control us
walls are torn down in seconds
for the sake of the coming tide
and the rushing wind

i pull down fences
i kick them down for you
momentum love is all i have
to give.

i dont know if you were able
to understand
my words of words
under the sky,
my gifts seem strange
to you, oh who are young

i mean the meaningless words i say
i meant the words
the 'we three kings'
that traverse afar.. and perhaps
they go too far
perhaps we went too far
those three words
i know that too far
are said too much
is beautiful and ugly
and not enough
all in the same together-colored
instant.

i burn i pine i perish

i'm not fireproof.

i wasn't made for instances.



those three words
are said too much
and not enough

the echoes of "no"

knowing never (k)new
maybe winter followed
me

pounding searing aching
maybe i'm being followed.

words words words
all words no substance
illegal substances congeal
beneath your bed.

the tears jump from my eyes
like tiny kamikazes they
die on my cheeks and on
the floor.

i can't stop the pounding

i can't stop the aching.


i'm sick.

messy psychic memory

(i think i thieved your words)

tiny droplets
a library of all your fears
and disappointments
your nightlight failed you

crying in the rain or underwater
cannot undermine
your hurt.

the sea
the ocean
is our library of tears
carefully documenting the hurt
to fill the world
with memories of what has past.
(and what is inevitable)

what if we had a few more months
a couple more years?
would white light and golden rubber bands
(to remind of course) reside
in our fortune cookie future?

the muscles in my hair
restrain the scream that boils
inside my chest.
it wasnt meant to be violent,
but the anger and hurt
and the pain i dont think i can stand

anger with time
hurting to lost a heart
pain to remember

the days and the ways
could never
be just right
or just the way they used to be.

tender tender
sweet november
darling darling
precious boy
say you wont leave
me anymore.

notes on the scale
numbers on a clock
they write the scratches
and the time
we got.

i push it out of my head
like the poison
from a snakebite

i reject your future,

i just want your love
all to myself.

i taste frosting on my tongue
and remember to open the blinds
blinding my eyes to the world
with the help of the steadfast sun.

i rode the pony underneath the starry sky
he cried and he cried but i never knew why
i followed them that night into the dark
with the hopes of witnessing those tiny sparks

flannel felt weird to my hand but i kept
the message in a bottle that was only wept
and swept under waves and underwater caves.
but no one was in a saltwater room.

don't mind me.
kiss me sweetly
and take your leave
before i fall apart.

time

you cheat me.
you take my money (when i'm in need)
you shove me down.

you turn friends into distant memories
the sidewalk chalk fades
with the coming rain.

tapping of piano keys
and sensuous strums of the violin
mark your passing
and the tear-stained hearts
that are pushed aside.

your greed swallows me
as i forget time and time again
to love and be loved to
remind my dears of my deepest
love and regards. you take my money
you take my mind
and i really
actually mind.
mindless i run through ebbing tides
and smashing winds
and floating nothingness
void of space but not of time.
void of space.
never void of time.
the tears
the growing
pain running through
our bones.
the decadence that you brought--
your housewarming gift to
the human race.
i tried my best to close the door.
(it didnt work)
because you stole your way inside
anyway. you stole your
way into our lives.
and you thieved away
our wonder years
our proud edifice of prowess...
you filched my sanity
you plundered my acclaim.
and above all
you stole
my
time.

inconclusive

how sweet it is to be loved by you.
how sweet the song that the thrush whispers
when the breeze has come to a stop
but the tripping creek keeps on stumbling
past our little world of affection.

how sweet the taste on my lips
to know that somewhere to someone
your matters completely matter
inside and out, you are needed
and deeply desired.

a thousand tired and tear-stained
goodbyes plague the afternoons
the sounds of violins become my only friends
and a hundred tiny ant soldiers take away the
tear drops in the dust.

but your love is like a diamond
you cannot be scathed by mere
conflict and confrontation--sneering
yelling voices that only wish to tear us
apart; your love is imperishable,
at least i can only hope, for in this sunlight
your countenance is nothing short
of divine.

divine? how deep the father's love for us
how vast beyond all measure
how deep is your love? might the
wallpaper slowly peel with time
and the attention slowly divert
itself.. might the tides erode the beaches
and the leaning towers threaten our
safety? might a thousand terra cotta
warriors haunt our dreams and
a tiny silver skyline foreshadow bigger
and better things?
is your punchline just a joke?
i'll never love again...

what is this anyway? is it sweetly love
to be tested under vicious waves
or a small school of fish that should
live only in the tidepools that are safe
and secure? could this be the end of the beginning
or should it be the beginning of the end?

love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs
tumbling around my brain, the words
and questions fall ascatter.
i don't know what tomorrow brings,
and i cannot understand what's best.
but for now, my love,
you are best, and
you are my tomorrow.

separated but equal (distress)

one two
three's a charm
three rings to feel secure.
shaky hands stray to the phone--STOP
eyes twitch as it sits in silence
on the table.
i measure with a yardstick
the society-filled bubble
of p.c.(p?)
hours and hours of surgery
and my veins are still connected to you
the siamese twin that stole my heart
and stole my brain.
disconnect me--you'd be a m u r d e r er
euthanasia won't solve the sitch(es)
or mend the stiches
or calm the-------
i'll never talk again
i told him our secrets
and i told him what i feel
he chuckled a little--
who can tell what he's thinking?
that we're just children?
sinking in our c a r n a l desire?
maybeso--no, never so
i don't see a sandwich.
i don't see a playground
that i can use until it falls
apart with rust and disease.
i see a soul.
i see a beautiful soul
resting in the palm of my hand.
do you trust me?
can you trust me?
i walk the line between the morning
light and the falling liberty bell.
the c r a c k s in the pavement mirror
stripes in freedom,
lacerations on the heart
that we share.

we leave behind what was
left behind.
we take our hearts our separate ways.
we take our hearts
and go our separate ways.
i fall apart when we go our separate ways.

of which i cannot know

temporary golden hair
lines your/my face and eyes.
through rose-colored lenses
you watch
a thousand quiet goodbyes.

the smell/ the sound of you
the plain you-filled
space of air
brings me to the silent
awakening, the knowledge
of my place, my honor
my indelible shining smile.
"i love you, baby,
and if it's quite alright,
i need you baby,
to warm a lonely night"


you are my sunshine, my only sunshine

both frail and forgetful

i have always been frail
weak, forgetful of your pretty words
that are backed up, insured at that
trustworthy bank.

i forget your embrace
with the passage of time,
and i leave behind my desires
when i feel you're not mine.

i shift as sand
that runs through your hand.

im as changing as the sea
and as fickle as the moon in the summer sky.

but there are those precious words
that speak for themselves
uttered though they are,
they tell all time and they
find the sublime.
im reminded of you
and of what i might be
when i take your hand
despite my fears and heart's demands
shifting as sand, i cringe and
i shiver, though you'd never
let me sink.

why the frailty, and why the indecision?
when the sun hits our faces
and the smile begins to grow
and we find those old traces
of the love we both know
i can stand it no longer
for i find once again
the love that i've had
that should never know an end.

what i leave behind

sand shifts in its place
monster white envelopes
(we sealed our fates)
invite green paper to your
pocket, under pillows
portraits gather dust
rocks in my shoes remind
me of the long road ahead
and the burden resting
on my shoulder whispers
terrifying salutations--
when i leave i won't be
coming back, i will hardly
know where it is i am come
from, i will only know where
i am going. for the first
time light doesn't hurt
my eyes, and for the first
time i can barely speak
the name of the place
or the smell of the street
that will meet my feet.
the comfort fades slowly
and softly but i fall with
a bang and am shocked.
shocked, i realize i am gone
i left years ago, before i
really was called. what
have i done? what have
i missed? for the first
time i regret the time's
passage and the extra sleep
i inhaled. familiar faces
fade into the background
i cannot wake from this
nightmare--i really do
not know where it is
i am going. i only know
where it is i have come
from. i walk past busy
streets where people
sing and play guitar. I
leave a tear on the pave-
ment as i do my best to
find those people and
those places and all
those glorious memories
of sunshine and wind
and purple satin dresses
that
i left
behind.

here and there and nowhere

wilting aching crying
wandering past the five-spoke wheels
they spoke through coughs
and tear-stained silence.

when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even.
when you're heart breaks, my heart breaks
when we brake for hearts we break a heart.
breaking hearts before braking hurts.
slim words.

i forget what i feel,
so i can retain my sanity.
i forget what this is
only because it does and must
exist.
i cannot recall the sensation
because my mind has yet to
handle it.
i forget who you are
so i can stay here.

a siren's song pulled us into revolutions
around the sun again, here we go//forever gone.
honorably we fight the tide of apathy

..yes?

rebreaking a broken heart is out of the question.
and what is this? that we find answers to questions
that were never asked.
that we find solutions to problems that have never
plagued us.
my paperthin skin, lucid. watch my frozen b l o o d
creep through my veins. elucidate the problem
in my congested arteries, those vessels
(watch them float/sink/float along the sea-floor)
plagued by
self-inflicted pathogens.
i never meant to push you into the dark.


all to say

i know not what is inside my head.

market scam

rising and falling
heaving out our breaths.
we measure our time
in what is left.

unworthy, silly, and ever losing ambition,
I follow c ra c k s in the window
forgeting their endless stories.
and hoping the gravel stays on the ground
where it belongs.

exquisite, superhuman, and destined for greatness
you catch sunbeams in the palm of your hand
even when the sky is bundled up in clouds.
what is this to you?

breaking clocks
or keeping them here to forget time,
we can't see the candles that were set for us.
what is life going to do to us?
can we bear the spidery fingers that will eventually
rip
us
apart?


"you got so much love in you
you got so much love
i'm amazed that i'm talking to you
you look like a song that i've heard my
whole life coming true."

minutes never lost

i live and die in a moment
i live and die for the moments
i feel faint
faint in your arms, but never
faint of heart.

trembling, searching for your
face--
swimming and flying and breathing
all in the moments that i cannot find
the ground.

where was the ground? far from my mind
far from us indeed--
i seek sound i search for sight
i find your face and the world is at peace
everything is just alright, tonight some nights.

mistake mistook the world by storm(y weather)
your face retook the world from them
we strike the gong we play their games
we were never in it for just the fame.
i hold your hand and hear the wind
i touch your face and find the paperthin
heart i've been looking for,
buried deep in a cardboard box--protected from the rain.

"how do i love thee? let me count the ways..."

maniacally methodical

i fell from eloquence
like lucifer from favor.
i rejected words like
her body rejected her liver.

..what (one[the boy] who lives)

i now know
[do i? (do i know anything?)]
deep within my frame
beneath these folds of flesh
resting in my heart of hearts
is a magnet of sorts
(i cannot explain)

the glory of it all
(compels) i know not
words to speak(er)
speaker, speaker, little speaker
tell me stories, give me (sneakers)
no
but then again, why must i wait for
your softness to locate
a magnet hidden deep.
a riddle rhymed a riddle reap
perhaps our rendezvous was
meaningless (i hope not)
perhaps we are children (we are)
i offer commentary to the deaf ears
the deaf ears offer their listening ears
no. their silent ears.
the void, the gap, the gasp of silence.
the silence that enveloped--no. (it did not)
we overtook the silence in a million
soundless words.
i found a funny secret i locked inside my shoe
[what?] was meant by the words
that labeled the sane?
i stepped on all your secrets--
they're hidden in my shoe.
finding painted ponies offered none
at all--no solace for the sunburn
no aloe for the scar. what was mine
is never surely ours.
metal metal creeping metal
finds (its way) a way to replace our
very bones. our bones of marrow and flesh..?
our bones that brittlebreak
and cannot withstand the turn of time
whistle whistle whilst wandering
wonder woods would wear no.
i reject your bag of words.
they fall on me like acid.
acid touch, they fall on me.
i reject the words we poured in our vain
attempts to fill the unfillable silence.
too much to say to use your words.
too much.
our vain attempts to rival the rain.
smaller hands, never have i seen.
a murky master was followed today and yesterday.
i know now of what sort your question marks.
yet i see what i see, what i say i saw, i saw.
quote the unquotable tabletimeturningwhatnonsense.
ignore ignore for better or worse
ignore the cure
ignore the curse.

influenced

i never thought i could forget the world
in the middle of my storm
or lose recollection of
all that was said before
the day
the day before yesterday.

might i ask how you found this page?
this page reveals all time
in a tender, silver handshake
underneath the skies'
fully torn skin
veil but curtain--cloth?
the day before yesterday.

sinking miserably yet unequivocably
delighted in you
to be found ransacked
filled with joy that was labeled
with a stinking scarlet letter.
what does the word say?
how might the mouth explore
the dangers and safeties of
us?

a brief concoction of memories

i live a day to day existence
always falling to the floor
i measure time by weekends
and forget to close the door

i saw the lonely face in the mirror
and wondered who it could be
"certainly not me--i am the happiest
i could ever hope to be"

"not i" declared the hen.

was i ever understood?

it fell right through my fingertips
and vanished through the carpet.
my mind is scraped along the concrete
i try and i try to remember and find
where the hell it could have gone.

what

what is it that i'm looking for?

i hold your hand and the light finds
its way
the water begins to clear--the mud has
found more interesting prey.
ignore this.

my immortal separation

i am not changed.
but i can see the corner
i've been told to turn.

i have yet to be changed.

it was the anger that tied me down
to the colder earth
that prompted the rage
that took me down,
past all sounds of life and light.

i am not changed
in this sickle cell
i turn from you in brusque
identity--desperation
beyond comprehense..
i am not changed
and i do not understand
this person i am become.. s
difficulty bedevils our soul
surrender sister, you lost--
surrender the sister you lost.
was i supposed to change, ever?

you advertise and you preach
and i sink into a mire
desire, intent, and free thinking
free was never a concept
to be held onto in the coldest
of nights or behind the toolshed.
i
know
nothing
i know i am not changed.


i took this path only because
you loathe its existence.. you blanch
at its mention and you despise its name.
i took this path because of you
because of your h a t e.
i took this path.
see if i am changed.

wool

i never would have suspected.
that you could be more than a
small expanse,
a pond to be discovered on the overcast days
past the growing trees that dispel the light.

it was my misconception. that kept me blind.
for this lake i thought i had found
on that overcast day, oh the day..
running, sprinting
darting trees
the light peeks through-- invites me run faster..
and suddenly
my toes meet the air

i stand high above, on a cliff..
left to stare out at the ocean i had found.
the depths... both high and low, deep and wide..
full of life and calm and storm. the rolling tide
lapped at the bottom of the cliff
sighing
and singing--
the incredible song of the sea

you bring me here
to a place i cannot trust
yet
i must.

Untapped Bravery

twisting shifting memorizing the labels
the sky stares right back at us
fingers interlocked--intertwined.
hearts.

minds. mind and soul
intertwined.
it's met with reproval--
this passion that wells up
from the chasms of my soul
yet unknown. yet untold.
unmeasured. though undeniable.
you unlocked a door, do you realize?

my ears remained sewn shut.

my mouth runs dry.

the words come to an end, stop.

shifting seasons and endless chords
tell us more than we could ever afford

i know what love is

i know what love is
i can see it in your eyes
as you tilt your head
and whisper solemn goodbyes

i know what love is
i can see it on your face
we take the world by storm
but never leave a single trace

"love is patient
love is kind...
it always protects
always trusts
always hopes
always perseveres"

the stillness swallows us
and the quiet speaks our names

love is on our tongues,
falling out of our mouths
into silent soliloquies.

love is around the corner
we run to catch it but
remember it was here
all along
inside our pockets
or in our clenched fists.

i know very little in this grand old place
but i know what i see when i see your face

what was said to the rose to make it unfold?

city streets--scrape to survive the nights
do your best to sidestep their fights.
i find them now--above all else--
the words hidden in your little self
compose the greatest of fables.
we speak words when we are able

in the quiet of the evening
and the coolness of the dark
we can hear the children singing
now they imitate the lark

i've used different words
to tell the same old story
i tilt my head to the ground
to keep you free of worry

you've meant so much to me.
you mean so much to me.
i can only hope
to mean so much to you.

scattered synchronically

im rounding a newer corner
im seeing a different light
im writing a newer song
without the words that bite.

no words at all is what i claim
no words at all to mar your fame
i wont jump ahead, a bit too far
i'll certainly not fall behind
the three words i leave are
at the front of our minds

your song is not like the bird's
it does not weave in and out
like a reptillian's second word
you will never hear it shout
but you just might train your ear
if you listen ever so closely
you might be able to hear
the essence of a rain--mostly
under atmosphere today
and behind my teeth tomorrow
you can take what i have to say
and use it to fight your sorrow.

today without my vocal chords
i will illuminate my heart of hearts
i leave you no words to hoard
just a melody to play your part.

so hold me close and wait for the beat
that keeps my b lood inside my veins
carry me up off of my feet
and destroy these criminal's chains.


J'adore, J'adore, J'adore...

mam/moth mouth

mind the gap dear travelers
mind your ears in the little cafe
those dirty people tell dirty lies
of freedom and free-thinking.

watch out dearest children,
the world wants you on a platter
the goodness they find is only good
under the guise of complete darkness.

does it bother you that i forgot your name?
that i cannot recall to mind
the symptoms of your disease?
i tried to glue the broken window
shards of glass stuck into my hands and eyes
sinking deep into my skin til
i would forget they were foreign
at one point in time--intruders.

ask me one more time, maybe
this time i will know what i think
about your controversy.

je renonce aux jours de ma jeunesse

i could speak these thoughts i think
but every ear would seal 'self shut
its only your pride i would try to cut
it will be over 'fore you can blink

i compose a few words
and i line them up in a row
they shrivel up and wither away
when all is left is what i know.

the warmest of [dis]regards

must i remind you
oh how i love you?
your smiling face
repairs my broken heart



it only takes a word
to restore the rightful order
to release the pearly whites
on their journey to the sun.


i mixed up all their stories
of winter and the silk.
one little child asked
for tea and a mother
cried for the warmest milk



[i have already been defeated
though i've surrendered all my fears
its a time we can be intrepid
after all these lonely years]


so take my hand, oh you who are worthy
lets take a walk through the sunnier valleys
lets stroll and talk and take a pause where the
sunlight creeps in and out of our alleys

asylum

(Written November 2008)

I recline, recoil, retreat
To my sanctuary of words
Hear a tone on the line
For I am presently
Unreachable
I sit, shrouded in mist of
Meaningless melodrama
Wanting the ice below to break
And for the wintry sea to
Engulf me completely;
To wrap around my body and mind
Its spidery fingers and
Breathe its uninviting cold:
Peruse down my
Xylophone spine,
As my expressionless faces
Retire beneath the waves.
The numbity of it all shocks
Only those who pose; for most of
Us have visited the closet of solitude before.
And yet, my millennium appearance
Was met with iciness and frostbitten
Appendages to summon a corridor that my
Mind had fo r bidd e n return.
A flashback, an essence of
Memory was and is all that
Was necessary to plague me,
To extend welcome to the chill
Not a ray, an ounce, a watt
Of sunlight to greet my
Ashen, downcast face.
While winkle slept the
Winter would only persist,
And while crane courted,
Sleet would only penetrate iron hearts.
As though the blacksmith
Had been mistaken.
I recline, recoil, retreat.

when strivings seize

i asked you questions with
answers i already know.
the window-cat licks at its fur
and wonders where we go.

we are pushing time around
like it's something we dont need
do you think i will follow you
wherever you may lead?

ask me no more questions
and i'll tell you no more lies
you've asked a lot of questions
and i've told you zero lies.

can you hear my apology?
when i tell you i am sorry for
writing words you cannot see
and becoming gradually unsure.

unsteady, don't fall over dear,
this isn't quite so terrifying
as watching b ombs fall ever near
and being forced into flying

i'm sorry. i fail you day by day
i fill up precious moments
with all the things i say.

i'm sorry. i fail you by the minute
in this puzzle, i try and force
this piece to fit.

.. i can't even throw together a decent poem.

i'm sorry i am such a child
that i am so erratic
i cannot seem to convince myself
that all is well, even after twelve
and that you can see me
through the attic.

just because

i say few words. [of importance]
but i hear your voice.
and i hear your measured breaths
and the steady drum of your beating
heart.
i listen to it pound.

my head is full of flowery lines
and lyrics from the best of songs
my daylight shines like no other shines
it just erases the worst of wrongs

reassured, i have been now
i have got a bounce in my step
i really must ask myself how
this lucky i could possibly get.

it took a while for me at least
to test what i know and see--
to know you are sincere at least
and at last it set me free.

i am flying much higher than ever before
i swim in the most silver of streams
like a fledging, just learning to soar
like a child, just finding their dreams.

brambles.

i am blind.
i repeat your words back to you.
i am deaf.
i describe the cold window pane.

i follow you on my hands and knees.
the dust is between my teeth
and the air, oh the cold air!

you look at me and i see
the puzzlement within your eyes.
what is it that you want? i whisper

i consider. what i've wondered for a while.
my heart shudders and rushes to protect
itself.
and we go on.

we go on.

i fall behind. we fell behind.
we do our best to speak our minds
what we know is what is certain
(i have my own iron curtain)
like a wraith, it would haunt my head
it would plague me, it wants me d ea d
can you save me? from these high tides?
can you restore me to your side?
stop right here, before we go on
just to count the stars 'fore the dawn
this one fear--it makes me anxious
i worry i won't do you justice

i worry, okay? it's not what i admit
it's what boils inside my brain
it's what keeps the light from staying lit
it's what leaves me in the rain.

i can't shut out the still small voice
that tells me i do it all wrong.
it tells me i have no other choice
but to terminate our pretty song

if you asked, i could not describe
save through the notes i found
i could not easily harmonize
save with the crooning cello's sound.

it is indeed no cause for tears
no need to alert your darkest fears
i'm a silly g irl , a dove at heart
rest assured, i do not wish to part.

stand at the window, wait in the rain
just please reassure, that i'm not insane.

the maze

dryest air, why should you steal from me?

cracked, and bleeding, my hands fold quietly

to pray only for a warmer day.


time spirals on, shoveling the burdens to our backs.
wallpaper peels deliberately--to remind us what we lack.

i saw them shouting, i saw her cry
i followed them home, just to ask why.



By my happiness am i mortified
i always act as if someone died.
it's panic that plagues my little frame
it's a bit of indecision, one and the same
i just can't take another shattered clock
i run through riddles just trying to talk.
please, my dear, excuse my irrationality
and if you have eyes, just let them see
that i care for you more than anyone yet
to you i am much more than a shallow pet.
if you would ask, i'd give you the moon
i would drain the ocean and sing you a tune
but if you asked for a kiss, i would hold you close
and smile a great smile from my head to my toes.
it's no matter that we know not what we do
that we live in a world where everything's new--
we know the melody, let's fill in the words
let's fly with the angels and sing with the birds.


i am sure i know none but this
he is mine and i am his.

i tell a song in chords

ive listened to a thousand sounds
the music does fill my head
but here and now your voice resounds
to lift ardor from the d e ad.

if i could speak a thousand tongues
i would whisper words to you
exhale a sigh and fill my lungs
with the music made for two.

you are much more than you were yesterday
i came across a perfect way to say
the light that i think i've found
can lift me right off the ground.

you are less than you will be tomorrow
flee those days you bathed in milky sorrow
and search fervently for the firebird
never turn away from my silent word

we heard a melody we've heard before
but the timbre is just not the same
we closed a window and opened a door
and i came out of the pouring rain

hope and resolve

you are more than you were yesterday.
you are less than you will be tomorrow.

softly i am pulled into a perfect abdication.
the white folds billow in the coolest of zephyrs.
my face crinkles into a grin that spreads to my ears--
of all the beauty to fill a world for ages upon ages
it is you that intrigues beyond comparison.


Profitez de votre temps, cher.
Je suis le votre.

i think of you as art

the na ked branches scratch the sky.
their leaves have long been blown into the sewer.
the purple sky just beyond those ancient
branches sinks away, following dear Apollo
past the horizon.
i cannot help but admire your determination.
little branches, you would seem the weakest of
the strongest tree,
yet with audacity you defy the wind
and the beating sun.
flush with instinctive valor do you reach
to those heavens
demanding the breath of air
and the time of day
that will prolong your steadfast lord.