:)

somehow i still just want the
world to know
that we figured things out
and that i won
the tickle war.

the cycle (desire, consumption, awareness, guilt)

well i've wanted this.
oh yes, it's written just
inside my heart and brain..
in my chemicals and genetics
i'm crafted to find you.
to want you.

the complexity of it
all just eats at my brain
and the fear of it all
just tears at my fragile
soul.

the feebleness, the fatigue--
what is this that i have
become? i'm giving up
piece by pieces.

i've been driving a
toyota for quite
a while now. and it
just won't let me
stop.

i've lived in darkness
for quite a while now..
and i don't know if i'll make it out.

i can't make out the light
anymore. or what it was like before.
i can't stop.
i can't stop.
i have told myself i won't stop.
and that is my fatal downfall.

but there you are. (and i have yet to stop myself)

d fiction/future

i can't tell you how i knew
or how my brain listened
to the echoes of tomorrow.

the bell jar in which i found
me, can-to-can through wire
i can't help but hear their voices.

i can't tell you how i knew
those faces weren't my past
this tree is not yet that table.

in san antone, lost my head,
shaking hands shaking dread
i cannot hold the dial still.

oh cruel, cruel, my tormentor!
you let me wander long
will never know how to explain.

whispers, tremors, to be read
on your precious richter
earth splits. waters rise. close my eyes

noble tasks, you serve me well
collect the cosmic dust
show me cold hard facts: oh the lies!

stains on the window can't prove
murder. but stains on brain
can't ever mean "nothing at all".

i do not predict their deaths.

oversleeping and overthinking

i'm wondering where i fit in
the hedgehog dilemma,
if freud even knew what the
hell he was talking about. i'm
asking why i just used "hell"
and if i'm following something
that isn't a clear shining glass
of transparency. i'd like to say
i'm just like you only prettier,
but every now and then (i
get a little bit lonely) i delete
photos from my camera after
a grimace at the face i can pick
away chip by chip. i never
thought myself one to stumble
or hold back my hair as i lean
in... i'm just wondering where i
fit in with this hedgehog dilemma
and if this clouded mirror will
ever clear up.

ten ten ten

loving or loving and loving
painting and fixing after the
audience is long gone
brisk breeze and faint lights.
connected connection wishing
nix the arkansas and run
to my arms. loving or loving
beyond bluefish numbers
speechless monster who would
dance in the dark. oh hell, ahab
followed me here, and the
no-elastic skin just won't do
for today. am i allowed my dreams?
i toe the line and hope i keep
my thoughts in line. but i simply
allow those dreams. because loving
and loving, or maybe just loving
is all i could want to fill my head.
i see other eyes and i hope you
don't see them where you are.
they asked me questions that i
didn't know deserved answers.
because my loving or loving
and loving was only ever sincere
and the burnt picture proved a
darker fear,, but you haven't
seen the enferno of photography
or known of the underworld of
broken, desperate hearts. (don't
send me to that world.) all i can
do now is rearrange my hair and
hope i don't look bad when that
day comes.

a forgotten prophecy from the mouth
of a sopho fool, you are what you are to me.