only two thoughts tumble through my head

1. I thank God every day
and ask him what I've done
for things to have turned out this way
he blesses me a ton.
people like you don't grow on trees
if that were so, i'd be aghast
and i'd praise the lord from on my knees
he gave me a boy who is bad ass.
(lolocaust)

2. the cries to heaven on this early morning
rip and sear through the dewy air
its to you, my song, i'm clearly singing
but i wonder if its entirely fair.
i pray for them when i think they're hurt
and i ask for help when i feel lost
this process, i feel i should revert
that you will hear me, my fingers crossed.

meh

when i don't have words
i can't give you what my
brain is doing, these days--
as it sits on my shoulders...
i don't really know what it
is doing these days. where is
my mind? it's busy writing
you love poems.. because
no thing could make me forget
or divert my attention--you
fill my empty head.

myhandinyourhand

my dear, my dearest dear can you hear
and do you fear--count the stars and
place the brightest one inside your pocket.
fuel my tears and stay the distance--stay.
we grow strong with the coming days
absence, not absinthe, makes the heart
grow fonder--my heart grows fonder--
i do admit. your voice sweeter and sweeter,
a soft violin that whispers in my ear.
my dear, my dearest dear can you hear?
i covet the days i will come back to you--
will you sing my name? and spin me around
and ask me where i've been? (where have
i been?) will you kiss my cheek like
those days we subjected ourselves to
the cinematography of wanda and
her fishes; little fishes, dirty wanda.
(little wanda, dirty fishes?) will you?
will you? (my letter might be too much--
i fear your voice) i suppose i'm a dirty
person.. for hoping things will be
the way they were. i suppose i ask too
much.. when i ask you where we're
going. (do i ask too much?) i suppose i'll
love you then.. limitless then--you have
overcome your expiration date.
you'll be with me like a handprint on
my heart--you are inscribed on my heart.
i gave you my heart--and there is your name
in bold script scrawled across the surface.
because i knew you.
i know there is one thing i will never learn
i have been changed.
i hope there is one thing you will never learn
for good.

being ridiculous; a pastime

if only they'd spiked the green tea
i wouldn't be just sitting here
up to my ears in misery
waiting for the apex of fear.
i might be having a good time
i wouldn't be reading Hopkins
why won't you just explain the rhyme
well, nothing else rhymes with hopkins.

if only they'd spiked the green tea..
or sold me two nutella jars
though my chocolate would console me
i'd rather waste time chasing cars.
if those b*****ds had spiked my tea
i would not have murdered mozart
cause it wouldn't matter to me
that the movie sucked--i hate art.

gerard manley hopkins can die.

unconventional accidental sonnet 2

you fill more minutes, hours than i'd tell

but even so, you know my heart so well

so well, swelling ocean, river tides

you know my heart better than i

and when you tell of my disease--

you explain the symptoms with such ease

and to whom this sickness might belong?

is it mine, or ours all along?

with this silence, my fears turn inside

my chest, less and less they hide

i become uneasy when i can't hear

or see your face my beautiful dear

and i wonder if you remember my

name like i hear yours within a sigh

careful and soft--i'll mail you my heart

i'll hope and pray we don't fall apart.

loophole (you knew it was coming)

this lesson in self restraint
(self inflicted torture)
might teach us to love better
than we could have taught
ourselves. perhaps? absence
makes the heart grow
fonder? i can only hope
(and wish and dream and pray...)
but i can't only hope--i can
plan and write and cross
my fingers that absence won't
let us forget the little wooden
bridge under the silent sky...
the secret park that broke
our barriers into little pieces.
so i hold you in my heart--
and hope (the audacity of----)
(and wish and dream and pray)
that that will be enough.


here in my heart, you are enough

...

it takes much more than hopes/dreams--a stronger force

to keep the world spinning on her ancient axis.. to keep

the ocean moving with the gales of summertime.

it takes much more than hope/dreams to remember the

day we held each others tears and fears in the palms of our

hands as if time couldn't ever let us forget. will it let us forget?

...

the most welcome fail

There isn't a place to tell the world the things i saw last night.
(i leaned in and saw straight into your soul)
there couldn't ever be a place to tell people and people and
people how you told me you wouldn't leave. you wouldn't ever
leave. or would you? you sounded so sure, but at the same time,
a little scared. you were scared. you said you were looking to the
future--med school, life, and the rest of the world. i wondered
how and why i wasn't included with the rest of the world..
(i wasn't the rest of your world? you've been the rest of my
world...?) i felt the tears, kamikaze away from my eyes,
i bled inside my heart of hearts (you know how and what you did)
but maybe there's a little bit more than what we thought there
was.. like waking from a dream--drop me to the floor to bring
me back to reality (check my pockets, is my totem there?
i can't be dreaming) suspension reminds us that gravity
remains supreme, we let each other go to remember
what it was like before. (what was it like before...?)
well i'll never learn to unlove you--I could never
pull it off. from the creaking chairs to the wilted couch
cushions-- i could never learn to unlove you. we would
sit and talk for hours (what is time and obligation to
our world?) about everything and nothing.. what is
it that we would say? the passersby could never tell--
they wouldn't tell our secrets, would they? We'd be full
of silly and crazy times. but you were serious when i
needed you. you took my hand, though you were so far
away. even in the beginning you pushed away my demons,
one by one. and now, as we run miles in the
opposite direction you watch me tell my story silently--
through the metered rhymes and free verse
free free free verse, i crave the freedom of a freer verse
that doesn't have a leash. you watched me spill the
beans//about all the problems i had seen. you tried to
stay quiet, but finally the words were just too much
(were they too much?)

maybe people think we're crazy, or just stupid kids.
Maybe they'll think we don't have any self control
(they make up stories, those old people, they).
But with every breath of doubt (they breathe their
doubt on me in puffy black clouds of emphysema) i catch
a glimpse of a brighter day. I smell the whiff of a happier
place and time, when we don't have to worry what the next
year brings (what on earth could it bring)a time when our
trust will blossom past the spring buds that fall off the sweet gum
i could never learn to unlove you--i don't think, ever.
I may not have a crystal ball, or a pack of tarot cards--
do they come in a pack at all?--but i know what i see when
i see your face, hear your laugh, sense your smile. i know
that we will never learn to unlove.

So many times we've looked up at the stars--
we'll get away from these city lights one of these days.

if you love me

won't you let me know?

if you love me

never let me go.

the discovery

i was found today,
between a rock and a hard place.
you hear me, even in my silence.
i was found today,
you won't ever let me go back
to the way i was.
you know me to the core of my soul
to the edges of my brain--
you know the number of my days,
the lying down and getting up.
you've known from the day i
was born, what my life would be.
you've known all along who would
influence me, and who i would reach.
you've known who would love me
who would hate me, and who i'd
passionately love. you brought
me to you before i could read,
and as i child, you took my hand.
i was found that day--the day you
whispered in my ear, "you are dearly
loved." i can't begin do understand you
but i know you hear me cry out
in anger, desperation, joy, complacency.
you hear me when my voice is silenced
and when i can't be still.
through the stars and the lamplit
streets you show me who you are.

my agenda

I've wanted many things in life
I want fame and fortune and
maybe just to be somebody's wife.
I want to be that girl that can land
the job that nobody thought she could
i'll compose the songs and lyrics for
a work that promotes the greater good.
i'll heal the sick and feed the poor
i'll light a candle that starts a riot,
i'll yell my views and preach my words
but maybe all i'll want is quiet.
i'll hang with rockers, astronauts, nerds,
by osmosis i'll be something insane
trying the sh rooms, and testing the p ot
i'll build planes and cars and boats and trains
i'll plant pansies and forget-me-nots
in a garden i'll plant the prettiest flowers
they tell my stories, they'll whisper my poems
but only one's i've worked on for hours
people will beg and beg me to show 'em
but i'll just refuse and turn them away.
i'll tell them i just can't bear to reveal--
i've planned and planned all my days,
but never let my empty heart heal.
They won't take that answer--surely i lie
an empty heart could not beat in her chest
and over the fencepost they'll cast an eye
to see a few wilting buds and a lot full of dust.


(that sucked--i prefer free verse)

to my stalker...

like a bird--it can't stay in the sky forever..
sometimes it just has to come home.

arcite or palamon--who was wiser? take
back your wisdom, it lead me astray..
it took me away it took me away.

i would walk five hundred miles
i couldn't stay away--i couldnt be alone
even hermits talk to God.

believe me, he knows what he's doing.

just another sob story

the door slams--you're already gone
running down the street, without
a backward glance. here i stand, the tears,
i'm still inside this burning house.
i'm left inside this burning house. (Dig
deep into my world, my mind, what i hate
is only because i fear it. i fear what
could. become. my. world.) I
(just) fight the tension and the terrors--theyre
(gonna) pull me apart. How could I
(stand) it all without you by my side--always
(there?) I can't remember who i am
(and) what I thought i would be. I just
(watch) who I'm becoming. I dont recognize
(me). put me in the fire--would i go ahead and
(burn?) like a paper crane on your shoulder---
it's not alright with me. i hope it's not alright with me.

(I was your song... You were my... You were my..
you were my you were myyyy...

you were mine.)

it's not the nicotine that kills--it's the smoke. the smoke. the housefire. the running. the distance. the slow and steady burn.
when i find myself--there's only me.

the end is definite

i kept the secret by letting out the words

that i had pulled from the edges of my heart.

i told the story without naming the characters

or describing the how the weather was that day.

i told the truth and lied to their faces--

maybe they'll hate me.

pat me on the head and tell me i'm making the

better choices, maybe that will help.

but i can't stop crossing my fingers that time

will forget its meanderings and just sprint for-

ward. (i know i will regret that someday.)

but i also forget that home is no longer home

and the way and how of my life is no

longer attached to my heart. i put on the band

aid only to rip it off-- i never want this scar to heal.

i fear if it heals i will forget the times that were

filled with water droplets and agony--the effect

of a perfect beautiful love.

i pray. that i won't miss you. and i die each time.