camus, you might have had something there.

are we all just waiting to die?
sitting around, watching our lives go by
like a black and white movie
or something we cant quite comprehend
what are we and what are we to do
with the time weve been bestowed.
and what is time anyway?
as if it could be saved
wrapped up in a bottle
and spent on a rainy day,
supposedly we'll all die evntually
but most of us just refuse
to accept that everything is inevitably meaningless.
im sick of arguing over petty things
and questioning the status quo
and blending in with everyone else.
black is not good enough for me, but neither is white.
ive never liked peace, but im not one to start a fight.
will you just let me sit back and shoot up tonight?
is that what we've been relegated to?
should we waste our lives on designer d r u g s
and ignore all those angry thugs
that try and try to beat our brains
and remind us that it will always rain
if there is to be a parade
and that the sun's brightest rays will go right through the shade.
why should we love?
and why should we h a t e ?
is there really any reason that we are entitle to feel at all?
who am i?
and what is this mess that we've procured?



maybe camus was on the right track.

what i became

I'm trying to explain why i am p i s s ed.
and for some reason i just cant do it.
i want a window on my forehead, so i could just show you exactly how i feel.
no words-
to mess up the essence
no facial expressions-
to muddy the tone
no hasty lies-
to mask my upsettedness
just take a peek
and know exactly how i feel.

you have no right to accuse me
no, i won't feel remorse
not about something i cannot even recall////
an accusation from a person adament on remaining anonymous
WHO ARE YOU
to accuse me?
to assume this mystical power over who you think i am?
you DONT know ME.
and you DONT know WHAT I AM.
you think you've assumed this authority over me, just because you had a chance to tell me "honestly what you think about me"
you dont own me.
and i WILL NOT
repeat: WILL NOT
be upset over your
petty
pathetic
attempts at pointing the finger.
good job, you found a fault in me. what else is new?
if i could glare at you
you son of..
i would.
id tear your soul apart with a gaze of ice
of daggers
of sleet and snow
the coldest
sharpest
most terrifying
gaze youve ever been so unfortunate enough to endure.
you disgust me
you forced me to disgust you.
you, a person i cannot even identify.
look what youve done to me.
your remark has turned me into a monster, too sensitive to function
i thought i was stronger than... this.



what have i become?!

i made myself believe it was an irrational hurt.

i made myself believe it was an irrational hurt.
i made myself believe it was an irrational hurt.
i made myself believe it was an irrational hurt.
you don't have the right to feel injured, ya silly,
you have no stake in this deal
you've no hand to play.
you were cast off long ago, voted off this carnivorous island
of betrayal.
guess what, darling?
you've no right to be hurt.
so suck it up, ya pansy.
I LIED .
to the person im always going to have to put up with...
me.
I LIED .
and now all i feel is the cold stab of bitterness that took root deep within my heart of hearts.
i left it alone, all boxed up in the unforgiving recessess of the side of my heart that begs to forget, to cast off.
but it grew and it grew into a monster that i cannot defeat.
that stab
through my back
its diseased and festering, its a wound that will kill me, eventually,
yet...
i told myself it was but a papercut, not worthy of accusations, revenge... reparation.
i convinced myself that i overreact and just freak wayy too much.
nah.
I LIED .
a blatant. unashamed. bold faced. lie.
you're fine.
no one wants to hear you complain about your so-called problems.
everyone knows you're spoiled like a brat in the blessings department.
maybe so.
but you hurt me. and i wouldnt let myself accept my vulnerability. and i wouldnt let anyone else see.. what you had done.
no matter how small in actuality.
you hurt me.
you
he
he hurt me.
h e h u r t m e .
no matter how necessary it may have seemed at the time..

you're too kind

and thats why you infuriate me.
its "please" and "thank you" and "can i get you some water?"
i dont need water. i dont need you
what i thought cant possibly be false. no way jose.
i want indifference,
and a little more "can you get outta my way?"
cause ive never been rational
what i want is never what i need and
ive never ever watered those seeds i planted
not with actual water
maybe a douse of grape juice or a squirt of cream.
but their growth isnt stunted like mine;
they have what they dont need
they grow backwards and miscolored
i have what i need, but not what i want
and grow healthy and strong
only weak in my assessment of what constitutes my life
the mind truly gets in the way
the conscious is stupid and gets in the way of my wise subconscious self
that knows
ive always been wrong.

It's just so nice to get away...

with my petty crimes.
my lies, my secret indulgence of deception.
call me a liar.
call me a tramp. (I find it unlikely that you'd go to such extremes)
but what i got away with..
nah.
not even that impressive,
but its a start, my friend. it is certainly a start.
a white lie leads
to embezzled company funds.
and a simple vein of revenge//
overtakes the whole body in seething r a g e.
but thats what i wanted.. i supposed, in my tiny little, chromosone-deficient brain.
thats exactly what i wanted.
to lie to you and feel those endorphins as i ran in the opposite direction of truth.
i hid behind that gnarled old tree as you walked by;
searching for me, calling my name.
yet
i curled up behind that tree, snickered... yet trembled.
because i knew full well...
i knew not what can of worms i had just opened.

for those of us who secretly wished to be skanks for a day

I am, above all, an undeniably senseless person.
those wishes i'd conceive, those desires i'd craft...
nonsensical.
it's no way to be, really; always wanting what you are not, and always hoping for the nails to be driven through your skin, simply because they were not there before.
Do you really want to be used?
and hurt?
shall i rent a masked gorilla to beat you into the ground, a parade of lions to chase you around the yard?
yet the secret want is still there, unashamedly glaring right into our faces.
It is not a want of abuse, but rather a want of being wanted.
in reality
we are all just lonely loners.
crying out for someone to ease our pain
we are all just lepers,
huddling outside the shining city that so graciously throws its garbage our way..
lepers.
wishing on a star that the next traveler will have pity, compassion
we'd do anything to confirm our existence
to confirm, nay, establish our worth.
what were we worth, anyway? a sick and dying people, ready to sell themselves on the black market. what worth is there in such a deal?
yet, i seem to be a contrast.. im told;
i live in a box? i am protected from the fear
and the anger
i am shielded from an immense bounding main of pain
and from the lonely depths darker than the brine itself.
so toss me into your swimming pool and box my ears with your rolling pin.
I deserve it most of all.
for having such a quaint, lovely life..
and secretly hoping to squander it at the earliest opportunity,
how dare i?

because the person who cares the most usually pays the highest price

I've carried you thus far, don't you think its worth a try?
to test out those legs you fear will break?
I've done the best i can, to help you find peace.
can't you stand up for my sake... at least?
You grasped my hand with your needy iron- grip
and i remember what it was like to attempt to pull a tree right out of the ground
i recalled how it felt to flap my arms in an attempt to fly
and i envisioned how i felt the day i began a dig to china.
what was impossible, well, we all just gave it a shot
and what was possible was too little for the dime-ambitions we bought.
being with you is like trying to catch the moon in a butterfly net
and extending help as you boil in your self inflicted misery is like taming the winds that birth the hurricanes and tilt the limbs of the tallest trees.
i'm not sure how much longer i will last, burning in this pressure to aid the unaidable.
i'm not sure how much of a toll i will have to pay for my intent on being a friend.
i just want something better for the kid i knew was best,
and all i want is to see you rise above the worthless rest.
no im not your phony elementary schoolteacher that praises your every move or hands out encouragement that only foments damage to your progress..
i just want you to live your life
and i know i could'nt stand it if...
YOU KNOW I COULDN'T STAND IT IF....