camus, you might have had something there.

are we all just waiting to die?
sitting around, watching our lives go by
like a black and white movie
or something we cant quite comprehend
what are we and what are we to do
with the time weve been bestowed.
and what is time anyway?
as if it could be saved
wrapped up in a bottle
and spent on a rainy day,
supposedly we'll all die evntually
but most of us just refuse
to accept that everything is inevitably meaningless.
im sick of arguing over petty things
and questioning the status quo
and blending in with everyone else.
black is not good enough for me, but neither is white.
ive never liked peace, but im not one to start a fight.
will you just let me sit back and shoot up tonight?
is that what we've been relegated to?
should we waste our lives on designer d r u g s
and ignore all those angry thugs
that try and try to beat our brains
and remind us that it will always rain
if there is to be a parade
and that the sun's brightest rays will go right through the shade.
why should we love?
and why should we h a t e ?
is there really any reason that we are entitle to feel at all?
who am i?
and what is this mess that we've procured?



maybe camus was on the right track.

what i became

I'm trying to explain why i am p i s s ed.
and for some reason i just cant do it.
i want a window on my forehead, so i could just show you exactly how i feel.
no words-
to mess up the essence
no facial expressions-
to muddy the tone
no hasty lies-
to mask my upsettedness
just take a peek
and know exactly how i feel.

you have no right to accuse me
no, i won't feel remorse
not about something i cannot even recall////
an accusation from a person adament on remaining anonymous
WHO ARE YOU
to accuse me?
to assume this mystical power over who you think i am?
you DONT know ME.
and you DONT know WHAT I AM.
you think you've assumed this authority over me, just because you had a chance to tell me "honestly what you think about me"
you dont own me.
and i WILL NOT
repeat: WILL NOT
be upset over your
petty
pathetic
attempts at pointing the finger.
good job, you found a fault in me. what else is new?
if i could glare at you
you son of..
i would.
id tear your soul apart with a gaze of ice
of daggers
of sleet and snow
the coldest
sharpest
most terrifying
gaze youve ever been so unfortunate enough to endure.
you disgust me
you forced me to disgust you.
you, a person i cannot even identify.
look what youve done to me.
your remark has turned me into a monster, too sensitive to function
i thought i was stronger than... this.



what have i become?!

i made myself believe it was an irrational hurt.

i made myself believe it was an irrational hurt.
i made myself believe it was an irrational hurt.
i made myself believe it was an irrational hurt.
you don't have the right to feel injured, ya silly,
you have no stake in this deal
you've no hand to play.
you were cast off long ago, voted off this carnivorous island
of betrayal.
guess what, darling?
you've no right to be hurt.
so suck it up, ya pansy.
I LIED .
to the person im always going to have to put up with...
me.
I LIED .
and now all i feel is the cold stab of bitterness that took root deep within my heart of hearts.
i left it alone, all boxed up in the unforgiving recessess of the side of my heart that begs to forget, to cast off.
but it grew and it grew into a monster that i cannot defeat.
that stab
through my back
its diseased and festering, its a wound that will kill me, eventually,
yet...
i told myself it was but a papercut, not worthy of accusations, revenge... reparation.
i convinced myself that i overreact and just freak wayy too much.
nah.
I LIED .
a blatant. unashamed. bold faced. lie.
you're fine.
no one wants to hear you complain about your so-called problems.
everyone knows you're spoiled like a brat in the blessings department.
maybe so.
but you hurt me. and i wouldnt let myself accept my vulnerability. and i wouldnt let anyone else see.. what you had done.
no matter how small in actuality.
you hurt me.
you
he
he hurt me.
h e h u r t m e .
no matter how necessary it may have seemed at the time..