morning meditations

i have music etched on my bones
and i have a song that rolls off my tongue
my hair is a music staff, holds the notes up
lifts them to the sky

when my mind is connected to yours
the light shines as the easter dawn
and the music shouts and screams
and whispers and sighs.

the melody shifts and careens
and the tunes fit together
and file away into our brains
i cannot explain the sad art gallery

i feel reassured when i can see
that we have become a single unit
a human machine that is self-sufficient
and that i am spoken to softly.

on my mind

its on my mind.
your hand slides up my thigh
and i can't help but realize
that i've been thinking this for quite a while
and i've wanted to verbalize before now
but just couldn't summon the courage to.

the warmth of you is soaked up through my pores.
and your scent is intoxicating.
but the seeds of doubt were sowed long ago
and these days are days when i just don't know
what we're doing.

i worry
more than i wonder
of what could or might be.
my psychological walls, battlements, armory
they stand ready to fight off the onslaught.

i stand with open arms
but my hands form fists
i stand with open heart
but my head just won't let me..
i worry.
more than anything.

so vulnerable
i shiver in the cold.
my heart rebukes me
for leaving it out in the elements.

i need to talk to you.
but i don't know how to form the words.
i need to tell you all of this
but i know i will make a mess
of things.

you can't use me.
its as simple as that.

that gi r l .. and the former self of her accuser.

she is perfectly fine with the hands that rest around her throat.
she is just peachy with the cotton around her eyes.
she was told her vocal chords were used for mimicking the starling's song.

though I don't live in open fields,
I can see that you live within a cave
the cold stone brushes your tender pale nose
and the rough stalagmites carress the backs of your legs.
you are hemmed in, night and day and in between.
permanent power outtage.. did you realize?
you say you're warm and cozy,
just where you'd want to be..
how can you know?
oh you who cannot recall the light of day
or the cool winter's breeze.
you hide beneath the flesh of your mother's heart
and within the confines of your father's logic.
you stay within this comfort
this familiar cage.
you thank your jailor, you praise his god.
you take his food when it is offered,
never dreaming of pushing away..
afterall, this is the best--the only way.
you have never walked the ridge of chaos
and you have never gazed into the eyes of hatred.
you scarcely know of what species debate could be..
"here in america, we all hold the same truths"
you are a perfectly blank page
and you've convinced yourself that you are full of intelligent words.
do you know why they kept you inside?
all those years ago.. when the other kids ran and screamed and played?
of course not.
you don't understand the motives
you cannot comprehend the reasons
that would force such treason to be inflicted upon you.
yet.. it can't be treason... can it?
this treason.. this arson of the mind,
its roots are comprised of fear
and confusion
of a misguided, perhaps well-meaning, individual..
"good intentions pave the road to hell,"
nevertheless...

dear world

dear world,
i've lived inside your stomach,
where nothing could go wrong
save ulcers that slowly eat away
our comfortable living room..
you shield me from the other regions
that experience much more pain
and you try and tell me I'm alone
when i question if i'm sane.

what is this place?
and what am i to do
when i discover people hurt
and don't have enough food.
and kill each other and themselves
and cry at night for loneliness..
what is this place?

.........idk.

the canyon

i know.
whats best.
for me.
i am also a liar.


she, the delicate g i r l of five,
begged her daddy,
"take me to the canyon, today!
I have never seen its depths!"
her daddy gazed down lovingly,
and replied to his child,
"darling, it's quite scary!
you might fall in!"
the g ir l's big blue eyes
shone like stars
"No, daddy, I want to see the canyon
and look into its depths!"
The father took his daughter
his one and only child
to the mouth of the canyon
to gaze into its
infamous depths,
the child saw
and the child breathed in the chilly
canyon air
the mouth of a monster
it was, with red eyes that smoked and sputtered.
the hiss of demonic forces
arose from those conflicted regions
of earth
and she shuddered, wimpered.
"Daddy! why did you bring me here?!
Why did you let me gaze into its depths?"

i want it and i want it now
regardless of if i am ready
regardless of your wise advice
you can't know what i need.

a simple question (what is this?)

its just a query
that i've pondered for quite a while.
from the looks of things, you've made up your mind.
you know whats what.

but you definantly aren't what you were.
that much is clear.
i hate to see you throw down the beauty,
leave it behind
with those articles of...
manslaughter
and treachery.
you scathed his heart
with a jig-saw
and ever so carefully
carved up his flesh
into a b l e e d i ng mess..
what is left?

it was a simple
fair
unassuming (okay thats a lie)
question
that i have wanted you to answer for quite a while, now...

why are you such a g odda mn whore?

i dont know what i'm doing anymore.

who is left to love?

i ask you,
who is left to love?

cold indifference
is a stagnant fog that hovers over my shoulder.
i can barely see you through it all.

and
i need you more than i had hoped.