inception

i'm looking at my hands and wondering
how i'm here again. bloodstains and shame
falling off my fingertips in a helpless rain.
she told me it wasn't fair--i'm adament
that this is all because of me and my faults--
days-coming, forgetting the steps to this waltz
and i feel myself yet again sinking, pit of stomach,
fighting biting cold and hearing simple sounds
that try (in vain?) to reinstill what we had found.
singing, he took the mess of my churning mind,
"you'll be wearing white and i'll be wearing out
the words 'I love you'" i glower at my doubts.
the blankness in the white is a death to me..
i cannot look away; it's the whiteness of the future
eyes can't tear away, heart can't sit so unsure
but i'm sure this is what i will become, not that
other woman, tripping over her bloodsoaked
feet, a still matted mass for vultures to poke
but here i am again, looking down at my hands
when i should be searching for the face of my creator
not telling myself i'll patch things up later.
so the small idea, i'll try to push it down until
it's no more than a last resort--this is not where
i want to go. we were always a lovely pair..
and i won't be a starling in the moonlight, kamikaze
my tears into silence.. the stillness will not come
because of this, no. i won't let the stillness come.
there are places inside the stillnesses that enclose...
but those words were perhaps the best i had heard
she took my fears and reminded me, they're absurd.
so quite soon i will begin to dust myself off, to find
a rhythm that keeps a good beat.. and remember
to remember, to consult my maker before the embers.