never have i ever

they say it's a slow fade... usually,
or a smashed and broken bulb
ground into the pavement.

i'm sweating beads of blood
they're dripping across my brain
my heart is a useless organ--
will it ever beat again?

i'm at best only treading water
holding my breath at all costs
praying we grow and praying
we struggle for now...

putting my life into your hands
yet begging for it back--i want
everything back. disbelieving
that your promises are true...

i'm a mess. you need to know that.
and i cannot dare to acknowledge the
hope that has haunted my dreams.
a hope for what may never be.