it's okay (mediocre)

those words i spoke
when my soul was flying
and
when my heart was breaking

those words i mouthed
filling the air
with lies.

i have traveled so incredibly far.
i've come so far.
i am not who i was
and i do not want
what i wanted.

i realized what i needed is not what i need
...what i wanted is not what i want

to satiate my thirst takes more than a mere drop of rain
to assuage my pain takes more than a mere pill
from a bottle of placebo

is it okay
that i don't need you anymore?

you used me up
you kept my heart at your command
and i was utterly yours
loyal like the stupid puppy i was

is it okay
that i don't need you anymore?

is that okay?

i cross out your name
where i traced it in the sand
i 'x' over that place in my heart
that room reserved for you.

for the first time in a long time
i have heard the sigh
the slow intake of breath
coming from my chest
i quiet my mind and can
hear the dull pound that sets
the meter of my gait

is it okay?
its okay that i don't need your
words
to fill up that hunger inside
and
its okay that i can see past my nose
without your guiding hand.

my head is no longer inclined
to the sound of your voice
the blind can see now
that she was never blind at all.

it is okay
that i don't need you anymore.

it's babble

the ideas fall out of my head
they spill onto the floor and
slither away

you turned me insane
i calmly informed him,
you turned me insane

the love that built inside me
is decaying away
into absolutely nothing

and all because

you turned me insane
i calmly informed him
i am now insane.

what pain is this?
to kill a living thing?
to m u r der the passion you spawned?

what pain is this?
that i wither away
into nothing at all?

you promised me something
better and yet here i sit
in my maniacal state
wondering--hoping
my mind will recover
you promised me something
of which i am now not
quite sure
anything at all would assuage
my crazed heart and mind.

so i will stand in the doorframe
when the earthquake comes
and i will close my lungs when
the rain begins to eat at my skin
and i will stop the beat of my heart
when you come near me again

you turned me insane,
i sobbed into my hands,
you have turned me completely insane.

mostly vagabonds

I saw a bird today
it flew below the clouds
i watched as it
cawed and screeched
before hanging my head
in a sigh

sound reaches my ears
but the meaning is
delayed at the security gate
the speed of the verse
aids little in my quest
for truth

you don't have to be alone
to sit and wonder
whether your soul is loved
dearly.

the whispers in quiet evenings
that enchant my frail heart
have brought me to believe
a simple silver lie.
i have become a pitiable
victim of circumstance

yet my soul is the bird
that broke through
the overcast sky
my wings scratch the
procelain blue and white
expanse that confined us to
dream of only flying
and never floating
weightless over eternal seas
of otherworldly awe.

i sigh with the angels
who watch as man
cries out in his desperation
i sigh with the angels.

tossing and turning

the air is thin
the oxygen scarce
the alpine heights push me farther away
from you and civilization

my heart has a hole
that is gaping
gushing blood
but all i can see is the papercut
i mended last night.

the montane heights
pull me away from the people
the noise
they seclude me into the wilderness.

a single water droplet
i am not the rain
i am not the floods that
have washed your fields.

i am the tear that gathers
in the corner of your eye
the held back fears that
threaten your composure.

i am the single star
that guides the lost
and hides behind the day.
i am a burning ball of despondency.
i swim through the night
and shine quite bright
under my guise of self-preservation
with the day i become
ensconced in my fear
and wrapped up in my tears.

the lofty heights
leave me with little insight
as to why i cannot find the key
to your locked up heart.
why must you play games with me?
why must i be silenced?

here is another question
a query, really
an enigma that must soon be solved
forever...
am i not good enough?

you whispered to me
in the softest of tones

you lied to me
in the softest of tones

eye know you a little

I cannot be seen by the human eye

I am small
I am sitting in the shade
I am hiding from the probing public eye

my substance is hidden from observation
you aren't allowed..
you just cannot..
no puedes..

I cannot be seen by the human eye
I've been invisible for quite a while now
but I'm not invisible, just invisible.
if you don't understand, ask yourself where
you stowed that injured sigh

ask yourself where you keep the lacerated
pride.

when you find it
you should concur..

I cannot be seen by the human eye
you cannot be seen by the human eye

invisible,
we lie
on the grass under the evening sky

stuck between desire and feminism

the tide bubbled in
it frothed and it waxed
no matter how you put it
it is undeniable
that the sensation heightened
and the e c s t a sy frenzied
i sprinted forward
to catch my heartbeat
that raced ahead
faster than i could bear
my brain overloaded
my chest ready to implode

i am a warrior
shod, laden, armed
the hunt has arrived
and i am the hunter
darting through a forest
of your silver lies
i know not what i seek
i know not for whom i
gasp and pant
and want and wish
and cry and fall to the ground
for whom and what
do i grovel at the base
of this ancient old tree
of truth and light
of love and compassion?
a warrior, i am still
a war-hardened Greek
and an emotionless hun
my heart is mummified
inside its cement encasement
it is sturdily protected
from the elements of war,
of love and h a t e and indifference.
it is thoroughly guarded

from you.

our love is ephemeral

As i sit on this perch
up among the treetops and clouds
i can see my world down below
and i view the fleeting microcosm of teenage angst
of the here and now,
the up and go
this transient world of yes and no.
what happened yesterday means nothing today.
and what we thought this morning
carries no consequence,
our love is ephemeral
it is not yet enduring
i tried my hardest but,
i haven't yet been able to
meter the beat of your heart
or the pause between your breaths.
or the sigh within your weary voice.
we are no longer.
we dissipate into the wind
and we melt away under the sun.
our love is ephemeral.
we do not know ourselves
we do not comprehend.
who am i? and who are you?
how could we bind ourselves
so securely
when we don't know who these people are?
she was never quite sure.
just a little uneasy
but for her refuge this proved true.
he was never quite sure.
just a little uneasy
and it saved her from the great fall.
our love is ephemeral,
it is callow and loose.
we are children in the bodies of men and women.
we are children among children
who have never grown up.
the progeny of passionate words
and impatient desire--
our love is ephemeral.



our love is ephemeral--and I am much more okay than I thought I would be.

morning meditations

i have music etched on my bones
and i have a song that rolls off my tongue
my hair is a music staff, holds the notes up
lifts them to the sky

when my mind is connected to yours
the light shines as the easter dawn
and the music shouts and screams
and whispers and sighs.

the melody shifts and careens
and the tunes fit together
and file away into our brains
i cannot explain the sad art gallery

i feel reassured when i can see
that we have become a single unit
a human machine that is self-sufficient
and that i am spoken to softly.

on my mind

its on my mind.
your hand slides up my thigh
and i can't help but realize
that i've been thinking this for quite a while
and i've wanted to verbalize before now
but just couldn't summon the courage to.

the warmth of you is soaked up through my pores.
and your scent is intoxicating.
but the seeds of doubt were sowed long ago
and these days are days when i just don't know
what we're doing.

i worry
more than i wonder
of what could or might be.
my psychological walls, battlements, armory
they stand ready to fight off the onslaught.

i stand with open arms
but my hands form fists
i stand with open heart
but my head just won't let me..
i worry.
more than anything.

so vulnerable
i shiver in the cold.
my heart rebukes me
for leaving it out in the elements.

i need to talk to you.
but i don't know how to form the words.
i need to tell you all of this
but i know i will make a mess
of things.

you can't use me.
its as simple as that.